How to Accept Hair Loss: The Truth about Alopecia Acceptance
In this post we will discuss what truly accepting hair loss looks like. One of my biggest pet peeves as a therapist is when I hear people talk discuss acceptance inaccurately. Social media has painted a picture that acceptance means loving yourself 24/7 and never feeling upset… because how dare we as human beings ever have negative feelings! Especially going through something as life changing as Alopeica.
Whether you are trying to learn how to accept balding at a young age, navigate a sudden Alopecia Areata diagnosis or anything in between, acceptance is one of the best skills you can use.
The Truth About Acceptance
First, let’s discuss what real acceptance is (when it comes to anything, not just Alopecia).
Myth: Many people believe that unless they feel positively about what is happening in their life, then they have not accepted it yet. This is where many people get it wrong. Acceptance has nothing to do with the amount of positive feelings you have towards a situation.
Truth: Real acceptance is about allowing yourself to experience ALL emotions without placing judgement or shame on yourself. Becoming a nonjudgemental observer of your thoughts and feelings and letting go of what is not in your control.
Of course on paper this sounds simple, but I have to acknowledge how difficult it is to practice acceptance in the way I have described above. However, the good news is that acceptance is a skill which means it can be practiced and learned by anyone. Another way to look at acceptance is a concept called Radical Acceptance, which is drawn from Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Radical acceptance is a distress tolerance skill which is designed to keep pain from turning into suffering because while we do not have control over experiencing pain, we do have control over letting it turn into suffering. When we are constantly resisting or pushing against our current reality, that is often when we fall into a trap of suffering.
Once again, I want to reiterate that this is much easier said than done! There might be deep rooted causes that make acceptance more difficult to practice (sometimes the resistance towards acceptance is not even conscious) which is why these things are often worked in therapy or with a professional.
Accepting Alopecia
Accepting Alopecia in a world that shames, stigmatizes and degrades people with hair loss is HARD. Especially in the beginning of one’s hair loss journey it is nearly impossible to not experience resistance of our new reality. We are told hair loss is a terrible, ugly, gross thing that needs to be fixed, so of course our first reaction is to grasp for any control possible.
Now, I want to make clear, that resistance of reality is often different than trying treatment, wigs etc. Acceptance and exploring treatment/wigs can exist at the same time! In fact, I think they absolutely should exist at the same time to help some people manage the unpredictability that comes with Alopecia. A common misconception is that to reach acceptance means you can not cover your hair loss & must feel positive about Alopecia 24/7. I don’t know about you, but that sounds exhausting and too high of a standard given the stigma we face.
Acceptance will present differently for everyone. You can not tell if someone has “accepted” hair loss just by looking at them. For some people, acceptance includes wigs and for others it does not. For some people, acceptance includes treatments and for others it does not. The main distinguishing factors of acceptance vs. non acceptance are 1. are you trying to change or deny your current reality? and 2. are you judging or shaming yourself for your current emotions?
Here are some examples of resistance towards acceptance (aka pushing pain into ‘suffering’)
I can’t believe this is happening to me and no one else around me
I am so mad at myself for Alopecia making me feel upset again
This will never get any easier and I am going to hate it forever
I am ugly and will never be able find love or love myself this way
This medication is my last resort to finding peace
Now here are some examples of radical acceptance (aka allowing ‘pain’ to exist without turning it into suffering)
This experience is harder because I don’t know anyone else going through it. That makes a lot of sense.
Losing my hair is rightfully upsetting. It was once part of my identity and I am allowed to be really mad about this.
Being mean to myself hasn’t helped me feel better. This is really hard but I have done many hard things.
It is hard to love myself right now because I see a different person in the mirror. I will keep giving myself time and compassion.
It is possible this medication may work and possible that it may not. It will be really hard if it does not work, but I will take this one step at a time.
What if I have moments of ‘suffering’? Does it mean I no longer have acceptance?
This is something else I want to make clear! If you find yourself in moments of needing to wallow in all of the really big feelings that come with Alopecia, that is okay! Acceptance is not an on & off switch, it is a continuous practice. You will know your acceptance muscle is growing stronger when you find yourself sitting a state of suffering, allow yourself to have a moment and then use the skills you have developed to not stay stuck there.
Once again, I want to reiterate this is easier said than done. There is so much time, practice, reflection, processing, unpacking and SELF COMPASSION that goes into this process. Sending big hugs to everyone in our community currently on this journey!
If you are looking for support to explore acceptance, we offer a range of options from self guided, peer, and professional support:
Alopecia Collective: an affordable way to receive professional and self guided support
Reclaim Alopecia Roadmap: a full year evidenced based coaching program that includes individual and group coaching
1:1 Coaching: individual coaching sessions
Therapy: if you are located in New York
Therapeutic journals: sometimes the first step is just gaining a better understanding of your feelings
